Newcastle Station Clock

Newcastle Station Clock

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Zaha Unveils New Brand of Paper

Zaha Hadid Architects have unveiled plans for a new brand of paper marketed exclusively to other architects. The concept (left) was intended as a way to save paper, marking another soujourn for the practice into environmentalism.

"In the modern world, cutting down on waste is paramount" explains Hadid. "It simply pained me to see how my practice was printing plans for buildings onto rectilinear pieces of paper. I thought, why can't my paper be a more suitable shape for the plans that I design?"

Patrick Schumacher, Hadid's second in command and longtime champion of parametric design, describes the exact process of creating the shape: "We used a very complex computer algorithm to determine the perfect shape of a building. We then ran that a huge number of times using different variables, and the final shape was an average of the outcomes. Therefore, the shape of the paper we have designed is actually the perfect shape for any building"

When questioned about the suitability of the paper for other architects (who have been occasionally known to design rectilinear buildings), Hadid retorted "My colleague Patrick has done extensive research into this, and concluded that funny looking, angular buildings are good for people - even if a person doesn't even like them". Schumacher backed her up on this claim, arguing that if people don't like the way their buildings look, that is in fact an error of judgement, one which a large portion of the public needs to be educated out of.

Described by her friends as "nauseating" and by complete strangers as "kinda scary lookin'", Zahahahaha is on a mission to prove that she can save the entire planet using 17, 37 and 53 degree angles - and this inconspicuous piece of paper is set to be the next step to proving her point.

P.S. I know this was clearly all very silly, but I'd like to just point out that the bit I put in italics is in fact part of a real argument that I really genuinely had with Patrick Schumacher himself. Honestly. Now read it again and think seriously about that. Yeah. I know, I thought the same thing as you are thinking now.


  1. I get the feeling that if Zaha was to work with 'Random Point of Interest' (see above post) they would be able to make phenomenal amounts of money.

  2. I actually agree with Pat. I mean no one complains about Gropius being an obnoxious twat nowadays do they? JB

  3. Well I never met Gropius so I can't comment on that. And If you want to agree with Patrick Schumacher, you'll have to file for Patrick's approval. No one is allowed an opinion without His Excellence's blessing.